My Daughter’s Pain

For the longest time I could not understand or feel the pain my daughter described. Sadly my belief system was locked into the questions that many of the parents I have come to know have asked; how in the world could you possibly feel badly when you were blessed with beauty, brains, and kindness, how could you feel badly when you have travelled the world and been educated at premier institutions, how could you feel badly when you have been recognized by your peers and professionals for your accomplishments and achievements, how could you feel badly when you are deeply loved by so many. The depths of the pain she described to me was unfathomable. Despite being in my own therapeutic process, and despite reading everything in print on bpd, I still did not appreciate the magnitude of the desperation my daughter had experienced daily. It wasn’t until recently when I have read the Face Book posts responding to the suicide of Robin Williams that I began to comprehend the depths of despair that others are living with. Reading one after another of the raw reactions, from those brave enough to share, to William’s final act , gave me a window into their excruciating feelings. Suddenly I felt as if my heart was bleeding. I got a little glimmer into the agony that I did not understand. I do not understand why it took reading the pain described by other young women to sensitize me to my own daughter’s experience. Maybe that answer will be revealed to me soon. Now having a greater appreciation, for a journey that isn’t mine, I can only say how much respect I have for all those who are struggling. I am very blessed that may daughter, has used her DBT tools, her commitment to rigorous therapy and self- care, her spiritual devotion to live a life today that has joy and laughter in it. Now more than ever I understand that brains work differently. My daughter’s brain has circuitry that makes it harder for her to feel at ease. She works hard every day to reroute thoughts that are not good for her. She works relentlessly, tirelessly every day to make each day a good day. I want it to be easier for her. One day it will be. For today it is important to know there is hope for a very bright and meaningful future

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